I carry your heart with me

"I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere I go you go,my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)"

Sometimes, I feel (I know), I am turning into you. I miss you mummy.

SOS

My life is getting complicated, stressful, and very exhausting, and I think I suffer from emotional imbalance, which by the way is a clinically recognized disease. Anyway, not that I have much to say because my brain is on an overtime and my mind is full of chaos. I need help.

I don't know whats good for me any more.

AND ALL THIS IS BECAUSE...(drumroll....) of the job that I have, and the job that I might get.

I think a nerve in my brain is about to pop.

"Sweet dreams and sweeter realities..."

My sister made that phrase (and now we use it all the time). I love her, she is my favoritest, the best person in the world. So very beautiful, comforting, positive, simple, calm...complexities in life - Zero.
Just like mummy.


I have a new shitty job and the last week was pure misery. Although it was just a week ago but I can't seem to remember why I took this job. WHY WHY WHY!
I think I create these situations for myself, dive right into the pile of shit and then complain about how pooped out I am. I do it EVERYtime OVER and OVER.
I was home, I was free, zero-pressure, zero-ambition. I was happy. And then I decided I needed a job. And here I am.
Frustrated, tired, burnt (because now I have no time to cook. So I keep rushing and burning my hands, which now look like the typcial 'Indian-wife-who-goes-to-work-comes-home-cooks-cleans-feeds-family-then-eats-dinner-while-standing-at-the-kitchen-counter-and-eats-stale-rotis-with-old-leftover-food-so-she-doesnt-have-to-throw-the-food-she-cooked-with-so-much-effort-two-days-ago'-type hands that are overworked and underhydrated, with small dotty burn marks all over.

I am worried that I am losing myself.

So, I have this strategy called 'float' that works really well for me. I won't get into today, but all I will say is that "misery" will have to suck it up because I am going to be DRUNK HAPPY (like I used to be) - no matter what it takes.

I will be young and vibrant and happy and stressfree, physically fit, mentally calm and simple. Life mein complexity - zero.
Just like mummy.




Once I texted 'sweet dreams' to my dad and he replied saying"wah well articulated...but are there any realties? Only dreams, sab kuchh sirf sapna...''

I once got a text saying:

"Humein aur jeene ki
khwahish na hoti,
agar tum na hote..
...agar tum na hote."


and it was from my dad. On New year's eve.

I know.

:)

Tabula Raasa

I got myself a job.
All over again, a clean clean slate.
I feel exhausted. Already.