I vent here.

Like clay

2010-09-04T15:13:00.000-07:00

Clay-
the kind that makes you feel
like you want to touch it,
and sometimes even eat it.
But of course you don't eat it,
not anymore. You are too grown up.
It's the kind that reminds you -
of me.

Freedom - so sweet, like plums.

2010-09-04T14:29:00.000-07:00

There is no easy way to happiness... you have to have your vitamins.
I am on these multi-vits that a very dear friend introduced me to... I call them joy pills.

It's been six months since my, what most would consider - foolish, decision to quit my comfy job.
Six months, a trip back home, shifting to a new place, two semesters at uni, and +ten pounds later - I wish I could scream from the top of a mountain and tell people who are suffering through mindless ossifying jobs to quit.
I want to tell them, who are as frustrated with their jobs as I was, that if they can afford to, even if it gets tight (but manageable), they should quit. And do something they love. Believe me, there is no greater joy.
I am broke but I have never been happier!

It's true - 'when you want something, all the universe conspires'.

IPL and the Pak Players

2010-01-22T12:16:00.000-08:00

It is very sad, but it's also quite simple. The IPL teams are owned by individuals from Bombay. They are still very VERY upset about 26/11. And the obvious anti-Pak sentiments.
If Shilpa Shetty and Preity Zinta, and Shahrukh Khan owned the Hockey Cup, or T20s or CWGames, I am sure the same would have happened then.

It's sad that because of a few terrorists, Pak players have to suffer some financial loss. But please look around, there is worse that has happened because of a few terrorists.

As for all the sensationalism over 'humiliating pak cricketers', I think they brought it on themselves the minute they started playing for Indian states as Mumbai Indians, or Kolkata Riders or whichever other team in the IPL.

Tomorrow I will not be an Admin ASS.

2010-01-05T20:27:00.000-08:00

"Do you have any questions for us?"
"Yes, is this job permanent?"
"Yes."
And my heart sank - not the reaction I expected.

I am about to do, what I do best - Quit. Yet again.
But this time around, I am certain that I will not be going back to admin-type sucky jobs.
I am going back to school. Not sure what I will pursue, but I will, for now, focus on absorbing all the learning and creativity and the freedom to dream that university has to offer.
As we grow older, so do our fears. We lose confidence and goals seem ever so unachievable.
"Beta aap bade hoker kya banna chahte ho?" Most of us have answered that question. At an age when we can't even spell the word "Astronaut" somehow becoming one didn't seem so difficult.
I can't seem to remember my answers to that quesiton. Having the eager-to-please kind of personality and being zero ambition, I am sure I answered what ever I'd think the person wanted to hear.
I still don't know what I really want to be. But I do know with utmost certainty what I do not want to be.

That bitter middle aged admin-assistant who didn't have the courage to quit her thankless, brainless permanent job with the government.

So here goes nothing.

An uncle of mine had this status on his facebook this morning:
"performed 2 divine miracles today at -10°C: like Moses, parted water (shoveled snow), then like Jesus, walked on water (frozen pond)."

Such a believer!

NYR 2010

2009-12-23T09:18:00.001-08:00

I will be young and vibrant and happy and stressfree, physically fit, mentally calm and simple. Life mein complexity - zero.

My heartshaped box

2009-07-01T22:42:00.000-07:00

"I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere I go you go,my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)"
- E.E Cummings

You know, your heart beats inside this heartshaped box of mine.
I am slowly turning into you.

SOS

2009-04-21T20:41:00.000-07:00

My life is getting complicated, stressful, and very exhausting, and I think I suffer from emotional imbalance, which by the way is a clinically recognized disease. Anyway, not that I have much to say because my brain is on an overtime and my mind is full of chaos. I need help.

I don't know whats good for me any more.

AND ALL THIS IS BECAUSE...(drumroll....) of the job that I have, and the job that I might get.

I think a nerve in my brain is about to pop.

"Sweet dreams and sweeter realities..."

2009-03-03T21:17:00.000-08:00

My sister made that phrase (and now we use it all the time). I love her, she is my favoritest, the best person in the world. So very beautiful, comforting, positive, simple, calm...complexities in life - Zero.
Just like mummy.

I have a new shitty job and the last week was pure misery. Although it was just a week ago but I can't seem to remember why I took this job. WHY WHY WHY!
I think I create these situations for myself, dive right into the pile of shit and then complain about how pooped out I am. I do it EVERYtime OVER and OVER.
I was home, I was free, zero-pressure, zero-ambition. I was happy. And then I decided I needed a job. And here I am.
Frustrated, tired, burnt (because now I have no time to cook. So I keep rushing and burning my hands, which now look like the typcial 'Indian-wife-who-goes-to-work-comes-home-cooks-cleans-feeds-family-then-eats-dinner-while-standing-at-the-kitchen-counter-and-eats-stale-rotis-with-old-leftover-food-so-she-doesnt-have-to-throw-the-food-she-cooked-with-so-much-effort-two-days-ago'-type hands that are overworked and underhydrated, with small dotty burn marks all over.

I am worried that I am losing myself.

So, I have this strategy called 'float' that works really well for me. I won't get into today, but all I will say is that "misery" will have to suck it up because I am going to be DRUNK HAPPY (like I used to be) - no matter what it takes.

I will be young and vibrant and happy and stressfree, physically fit, mentally calm and simple. Life mein complexity - zero.
Just like mummy.

Once I texted 'sweet dreams' to my dad and he replied saying"wah well articulated...but are there any realties? Only dreams, sab kuchh sirf sapna...''

I once got a text saying:

2009-02-23T21:55:00.000-08:00

"Humein aur jeene ki
khwahish na hoti,
agar tum na hote..
...agar tum na hote."

and it was from my dad. On New year's eve.

I know.

:)

Tabula Raasa

2009-02-21T02:07:00.000-08:00

I got myself a job.
All over again, a clean clean slate.
I feel exhausted. Already.

I crave pineapple,

2009-02-16T01:56:00.000-08:00

Why is it 10,000 cals?

Pizza, pineapple, wine and Titanic.
And all I remember is,
"...of course its not fair, we are women
our choices are never easy."

Not Fair.

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet."

2009-02-13T07:08:00.000-08:00

Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

Valentines Day. This year, I hate this day. Perhaps this is marriage.
Obviously enough, I am angry and I am sad, and I am sick of being angry and sad. And just because it's a long weekend I am not going to make up.

Roses can never be passe.
I think roses are so fashion and people who dislike them are just attention seeking freaks who would do anything to stand out.

My sister once told me that roses are used in aroma therapy for calming grief, resentment, anger. Its relaxing and an anti-depressant - It lifts the heart ( I love that).

The Body Shop has a new Rose body butter that I am definitely getting for myself. I desperately need rose therapy. May be I will also get myself leftover roses on the 15th and a box of chocolates and hopefully the combo therapy of choco and roses will work its magic - lift my heart.

Don't remember where I read this but Cleopatra wore rose oil when she first met Mark Anthony to "capture his love". And that Romans used to scatter rose petals at weddings (probably to address the resentment), funerals (obviously to calm grief) and banquets to prevent drunkenness (!!?? wherever they got that from)

I once took a Roman/Greek mythology class in uni and I really enjoyed the stories...Aphrodite and Adonis, and Eros (it was as if they were all doped out). So much love and so much hate. So much drama.

I fell more in love with roses.

That's about when I also fell in love.

(oh the irony! Yes, I am rolling my eyes)

Anyway, If I get roses for V-day (which is a long shot because unfortunately, he doesn't have enough brain to think of doing any such thing), I think I will throw them. Love is all lies and whatever he said, St Valentines was a liar.

So glad God made papeeeta.

2009-01-14T09:08:00.000-08:00

Yes Papeeta is the best fruit in the world.

I eat one every week.

and one Anaar. :)

Bombay

2008-11-27T13:08:00.000-08:00

India must have a spirit of a woman.
It never forgets, forever cribs and yet, heals itself again and again.

Defected minds and their breeders, leave her alone!

What happened in Bombay could be because of many reasons, but most of all it's because we fail to stand together as a nation. Instead of indulging in region, religion, culture, class -based politics if we had focused on pulling ourselves together as ONE nation and not 'a' state or region or hindu or muslim, may be we could have saved our selves from being so broken, guilty, and wounded like we are today.

Indian youth, wake up! Get out of your a-con'ed cars, pull out the ipod earphones, stop bashing the 'system' over drinks...and take charge. Do something, whatever little, small, minuscule to show gratitude for the freedom you enjoy. This is not what they fought for sixty-some years ago.
If a handful of 20-25 yr old, uneducated, brain-washed individuals can cause such extreme ravage, imagine the unharnessed power that lies within us, the thousands of educated youth of India, to empower and lead our nation out of this.

Because I can't eat food, I will eat your brain!

2008-10-17T11:17:00.000-07:00

yes, If I can't eat food, I will eat your brain.
It's only 10:42 a.m and I am already feeling woozy.
Besides lazying around and updating my status on facebook (for about hundred thousand times), I have done nothing today. I am so verily hungerstruck.
Its Karvachauth.

Funny how my last post was when I had nothing to do in life. And now this one, again, when I am jobless and breaking mufft ki rotis. As far as I can remember, I have always loved doing nothing. And these days, I am fighting the most dreaded fear of going back to a 9 to 5.

How do people find out what they are good at and what should they do for a living so that they love their job as much as I love doing nothing???? I think I should at least try doing something of my own.

I have always wanted to do something dreamy - like own a chai ki dukan.

A tiny tea shop.

There are so many varieties of teas. I bet there is one for everyone! And so sasta too. I should buy a book on world teas and read up a little before I do this.

But the more I think about it, the better it sounds.

It would be the most special tiny tea shop ever!

I would keep books I love, and sell little jewelery – I think everyone who drinks tea should wear rings or earrings...or just generally accessorize. So, I would sell accessories and bags and books and may be even agarbatis....and do up the place with thousands of lamps and mirrors - full of color and glitter!

May be I should also learn some palmistry, then I can become a fortune teller at the tea shop, and then it would definitely not be like a regular 9 to 5 but much much more fun – even funner than doing nothing.

The best part – I will bring everything from India. That way, I will have to go back home every six months to get fresh stock.

And...most importantly (the secret to its success), I will make the seating so its easier to listen in on conversations - chai is like sharaab when you have it with a little bit of story :)

That's going to be my little chai ki dukaan - makes me feel so fuzzy and dreamy.

I think its time for a nap.

I am gaining so much weight its horrifying! I really need to work out or do something about it. I wonder how good are those fat-cutting pills. I am glued to the t.v every time the ads on. Anyway,so there - I have eaten your brain. Now I am going for a bath and deckking up for karva chauth.

Just tooo funny when the women sing the 'Lay veero kuriye kar vada..' in the worlds most out of tune chorus....oh and the Karva chauth katha...veero behen di katha – is mind blowing :)

The song:

http://www.karwachauth.com/karva-chauth-songs.html

The katha:

http://www.karwachauth.com/karwa-chauth-story.html

Dear Diaries, you crack me up.

2007-05-22T13:16:00.000-07:00

Because I have nothing to do, I failingly try to clean my room and end up creating the world’s biggest mess. The only good thing that has come out of it is that I have finally thrown away some of my useless old clothes and a whole lot of other junk!!

Today, I opened my old diaries. They’re so full of secrets that I had wrapped them with the strongest duct tape in the world. It was a struggle to pull it off. I always duct-taped my diaries when they finished. The tiny locks that come with the diaries can be easily opened with a pin. They are quite useless and very parent/sister/boyfriend/snooper- friendly. I remember my sister and I being obsessively protective about our diaries, she more so than I. I never got around reading whatever she wrote. Not like I didn’t try, but she has always been really good at guarding her secrets. I wonder where she keeps them now. Mine were sitting in my room,- protected and out of reach (I hope). Anyway, so today (all day) I read almost all of my very old diaries. I am sure people who have read any of their old diaries know how it feels. It’s hellishly embarrassing. I actually felt sorry for myself in a funny way. I am not going to tell you these ages’ old, well-guarded and horribly embarrassing secrets, but I would like to share the four constants that ruled my life (and probably still do).

FEELING FAT: I am always hungry, and when I am not hungry I am usually feeling fat. I was the biggest most-hugest girl in class. I hated my fat life and some of the super ‘phat’ girls in my class who always talked about:
-clothes (that never fit me),
-boys (who never noticed me),
-and other cool things that were forbidden for uncool people like me.
Believe me you, I was uncool.
I used to be the side drummer in the school band, the girl who played the side drum in the school march-past (walking) band. The FAT girl who played the side drum on sports day and other idiotic sporty school functions that happened in the school field.
It was really quite horrible. Also, the band was mostly out of tune. You can probably imagine!
I have hundreds and thousands of pages in my diaries that begin with: ‘I am on a diet’ or 'I feel so fat' and are stained with oil marks of cheerios and other soily diet type of foods and fruits.

BOYS, BOYS, AND BOYS: Come on admit it! Life’s no fun without them and if you haven’t ever obsessed about one, there’s something seriously wrong with you (girl!). I am in a way now glad I was fat because if I did get all that attention then, I’d have surely stayed in school for a couple of extra years. I did that later in college. Got some attention and stayed an extra year. Anyway, I must admit I have always obsessed about one boy or the other. Trust me it’s a lot of fun. The diaries had stories of break ups, and make ups, of the 'types' of looks exchanged, and idiotic two-page handwritten cards, dried flowers and fading emotions. Thanks to all of them hotties and the not-so-hotties, life was always, always so full of action.

THE BITCH: Don’t think I need to say much here. In every diary (of a girl at least) there’s always , ALWAYS a bitch. And so did mine. Ever changing but never forgotten. I still quite hate them all for doing all that they did. Slimey, gaming whores…if you know what I mean. ;)

FAMILY, FRIENDS, LOVE – The Good Things in Life:
I have to say I am soooo lucky for having the friends and family I so very much love. I have been fat and frivolous but I have always been loved. All my diary entries or at least most of them have some happy/funny story about my friends or family, besides my usual cribbing; and the ones that are sad, end abruptly because I so had to-had to go call a friend, or talk to mum, or papa, or sis. May be that explains why most of them are embarrassing reads because they are full of bullshit drama that cracks me up now. Most of the stuff that probably goes in real diaries was blabbered away to and taken care of by the wonderful people around me.

Well, that pretty much sums up the diaries I read today. These are old stories but life’s pretty much the same.
I am not THAT fat, I’m quite okay, but I am always hungry and when I am not, I am cribbing about being fat, which is now a habit.
There is this one boy I am obsessive about, thankfully (or at least he makes me feel) he obsesses over me just the same.
Yes, there is (are) a (few) bitch(es) but nothing I can’t take care of (or get over).
And yea’ a whole lot of embarrassing things still keep happening. I am always stuck in some awkwardness. But trust me, it’s all worth it because I still have the most loving and loved people on my side -My family, my friends and my love, the reigning stars of my world. They make this life so very perfect.

I am beginning to hate junk jewelry. I rather wear small dotty earrings. I think I am growing old and snootier.

Sarvangasana: The Shoulder Stand

2007-05-17T12:32:00.000-07:00

I think most of my actions and reactions and emotions are driven by anger. I am some times such a hater, I surprise myself. This, although is not going to be about hate (I'll try) but I thought I’ll just make that public so it is conducive to better understanding of what is to follow. If there is anything to follow that is, considering it took me ten thousand years to decide on a blog, and another ten thousand to decide colors and fonts and titles. And then there was this long long wait because I am super lazy.
I am not very old but I am quite an old soul. So you can say I know a lot about people, and how most of them are not really fakes as we sometimes perceive them to be. I think they are only trying to protect themselves. I can’t tell you why I am saying this, but something happened today. It’s a secret.
This person is not a fake, although he/she is certainly lying about certain things…which is kinda okay - we all do it all the time.
I lie a lot and I am quite a good liar. I don’t lie about serious things, or tell life altering lies that make doctors give wrong medicines or anything, but about a lot of other things like telling people who use tube-lights how beautiful their house looks, whereas honestly I think the worst thing god ever made were tube-lights (or whoever made them Thomas Edison or whoever, I don’t much care). All I know is that I hate tube-lights. They depress me. No point telling people who own tubelight lit houses that their house depresses me. Not like they’ll switch to bulbs. They’ll only feel awkward for a while, like two minutes, and I’ll feel horrible for like…ten thousand years!

I think the more people you love or care about, or just have around you, say friends and relatives (the ones you really care about), the more complicated life gets. I mean its as many more problems and misunderstandings and egos and break ups and make ups and all that to handle. All that sometimes makes me go mad!

Talking about what really makes me go madder than just mad are the aunties at yoga. I have been wanting to write about them since forever! And I just realized that I had told just about everyone how there's going to be a blog just about them blog.
And heres why:
My yoga begins at 10 am and I barely make it to class. It’s just so impossible to sleep early and then obviously it’s equally difficult to get up early. Well, I do make it to most classes on time, and once I am there, it’s just so worth the wake. Those aunties of course come after a heavy breakfast, wide awake and always walking in to the yoga place while constantly yapping away on their fancy cell phones. That’s not really that annoying because I am too, a little like that; always on the phone.
What is exxtremely annoying and I feel like turning into a Monkex , which is like turning into a monk by pulling out your hair but not really a real monk or something.
It’s a word someone made up and I think the meaning of which is still going through a lot of modifications and all that. However, I think it will mostly remain along the same line of turning bald into a monk by slowly pulling out each and every single strand of your hair, one by one, and becoming like a monk but not really living monk like.
Anyway, so here are these 40+ ladies who make my mornings, sometimes, quite miserable.
The breathing exercises are okay but they can barely put their legs straight for the shoulder stand. (and I think..Why would anyone their age put themselves through that? Not like a simple shoulder stand will shake the breakfast off!!)
Shoulder stand is not that difficult, actually its quite simple, it only looks complicated (but I don’t think I’ll try it when I am their age, trust me it looks so idiotic when people try doing things that they should have done when they were twenty and not two hundred).
But really, its not like I am trying to sound cool, it is the easiest and one of the most relaxing things to do (for like may be max two minutes). I know you don’t believe me, but please do. In guruji’s words, ‘just you try’.
So anyway, the ladies take about half an hour to get to the shoulder stand or something that kinda looks like one. Okay, maybe not full thirty minutes, more like ten minutes that, trust me, feel like a whole century.
While I am standing on my shoulders - waiting, Guruji goes to each and everyone of them and helps them lift off, watches them rock back and forth and eventually land back on the ground. How that must break his heart, I don’t even want to imagine. How that almost breaks my back, can only be truly captured on a video blog.
I know they are all nice and harmless aunties spicing it up with yoga and all that, but really!!!! If you live in India and ever feel like yoga-ing, which is the greatest way to relax and exercise, just make sure you never go for the 10 a.m. classes. I mostly walk out stressed, feeling - some day (surely one day), I am going to become like them.

Okay, so I tried finding out who invented the tubelight. The thing sucks so bad no body wants to claim its invention it seems. Or everyone tried to better it so there are too many inventors listed online. Some Heinrich Geissler started it all in 1856. But really, Edison rocks all the way!